The U.S. Mint has stopped producing new pennies.
Just doesn't make cents.

I fell off a 50-foot ladder today.
Thank goodness I was only on the first step.

I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile this morning.
And now I am not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

There is a species of antelope that can jump higher than the average house.  
That is because of the strong hind legs of the animal.
And the fact that the average house can't jump.

A new airplane was invented that cannot crash.
Made from rubber polymers, it will just bounce.
The plane is made by Boeing Boeing Boeing.

My dentist just won "Dentist of the Year".
But all he got was a little plaque.

My new optometrist is from the Aleutian Islands.
He’s an optical Aleutian.

Did you know that a candle's flame smells like burned nose hair?