THE DAYS ARE GETTING LONGER - AND SO ARE THE JOKES!

We used to play Spin the Bottle when I was a kid. 

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, 

the girl could choose to either kiss you or give you a nickel. 

By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.

“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.”
“What on earth do you need an elephant for?”
“I don’t. I just need the money.”

I love to eat, and I eat with gusto.
One evening I was devouring a snack of cheese spread and crackers. 
As I scraped the last tiny bit of spread from its container, 

I asked my wife if she wanted to save the jar.
“No, it’s okay,” she replied. “Go ahead and eat it.”

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked 

if I could borrow a newspaper.
“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”
I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.