The ability to speak several languages is an asset, 
but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children, 
just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, 

"Close enough".

Played a trick on a friend, I switched out his bed for a trampoline.

Boy, did he hit the ceiling....

"Your call is very important to us. 

Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo".

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad 

and my tech support guy is asleep. 
He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

Tip for a successful marriage: 
Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready 

while she's mowing the lawn.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, 
then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

There are some people walking around 

who are still "IT" from recess 50 years ago and don't even know it.